Calcutta

*
No speech can be entirely bad if it is short enough.
- Irvin S. Cobb (1876-1944)
  American journalist, humorist and writer

*

With 1,000 words you can have: The Lord's Prayer The twenty-third psalm,
The Hippocratic oath, A sonnet by Shakespeare, The Preamble to the
Constitution, Lincoln's Gettysburg address, and still have enough left
over for just about all of the Boy Scout's Oath.

*

I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had
the time to make it shorter.
- Blaise Pascal (1623-1662)
  French mathematician and philosopher

*

Theodore Roosevelt was asked how long it took him to prepare one of his
speeches. He replied it depended on the length of the speech required;
for a half-an-hour speech, two to three days, for five minutes, a week
and if he had to speak for two hours then he could begin immediately.

*

I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking.
But I strongly object when they start shaking them to make sure they are
still going.

Lord (William Norman) Birkett (1883-1962)
English lawyer and politician

*

It is by the grace of God that in our country we have those three
unspeakable precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience,
and the prudence never to practice any of them.

Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) (1835-1910)
American humorist

*

The three most difficult things for a man to do are to climb a wall
leaning towards you, to kiss a girl leaning away from you, and to make
an after-dinner speech.

Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

*

A convention speaker once remarked: "There are three things I have never
wanted to be: the front pew in a church, the sixth verse of a hymn, and
the last speaker on a convention program."

*

There are three things which if a man does not know he cannot live long
in the world: what is too much for him, what is too little for him, and
what is just right for him.

Swahili proverb

*

If you want to know why I agreed to speak on this sensitive subject, you
only have to look to the old Army saying that there are three types of
fools: "fools, damned fools, and volunteers."

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much."

- --Robert Greenleaf

"If you have anything to tell me of importance, for God's sake begin at
the end."

- --Sara J. Duncan

Who was Jesus?

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and
 nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in
Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by
one, they offered their evidence...

>;)  THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities
But then there were equally good arguments that...

>;)  JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were equally good arguments that...

>;)  JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.
But then there were equally good argument that...

>;)  JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But then there were equally good arguments that...

>;)  JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion
But then there were equally good arguments that...

>;)  JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
But perhaps the most compelling evidence ...

>;)  THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

- From: Stella Marie Arungayan <smaa@iloilo.worldtelphil.com> on the ROTI List.



Two new additions  
to the periodic table of elements:

Element Name: ROTARY-ANN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing, and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Element Name: ROTARIAN (The male variety)
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (80 +/- 10)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, ageing samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as younger samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it gets. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralized by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None Known. Possibly good methane source. Typical samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

God is talking to one of his angels.

He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"
God says, "Call it a day."

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